BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT (PENDING) · PURVEYORS OF TEN (10) SONGS · TWO (2) SUGARS
THE BRITISH EXPERIENCE
OI OI. ALRIGHT? YOU ALRIGHT? YEAH? GOOD. LOVELY.
Right then.
So. Somewhere between Durham — the wrong Durham, the one in North Carolina, which has caused no end of bother — and New York City, at a rest stop off the motorway (highway, sorry, highway), three people made something.
Nobody planned it. Nobody asked. Nobody put the kettle on, which in hindsight was the first mistake.
Ten songs, recorded in a moving car. One of them is British and you can tell, and that is the whole problem. You haven't heard them yet. You will. Sorry.
We did try to ring about it. There was no answer. We didn't want to make a fuss, so we left it, and then it got awkward, and now it's been eight months and it would be strange to bring it up.
Someone asked where the name came from. This is the entire answer.
Three cards, one hand, a room with regrettable lighting. Read them left to right. That's it. That's the name.
We would like to stress that no thought went into this whatsoever, and that we have since been asked to leave.
Please do not attempt to overtake. An orderly line has formed and it is, frankly, the finest thing this country has ever produced.
Nobody has put the kettle on. This is a crisis and everyone is pretending it isn't.
Ace Quincy
NO FOOTBALL COLOURS · QUIZ ON THURSDAYS
KITCHEN CLOSED (CHEF'S GONE)
FIVE DAY FORECAST
Outlook for the weekend: two hours of glorious sunshine on Saturday, entirely during the bit where you are indoors doing something else.
BISCUIT DUNK LEAGUE
Custard creams are not for dunking and never were. We will not be taking questions on this.
THE FULL ENGLISH TEST
- ✓Sausage — two, obviously
- ✓Bacon — done properly, not flapping
- ✓Egg — runny, no debate
- ✓Beans — contained. contained.
- ✓Black pudding — don't ask, just eat it
- ✓Fried bread — the whole point
- ✗Grilled tomato — nobody has ever wanted this
- ✗Mushrooms — also no
Band rated 8/10. Would have again. Is having again tomorrow. Has been having it every day since March.
| WHAT HE SAYS | WHAT HE MEANS |
|---|---|
| “Not being funny, but…” | I am about to be extremely rude |
| “With all due respect…” | With no respect whatsoever |
| “It’s fine.” | It is not fine |
| “Not bad.” | The best thing I have ever heard |
| “Quite good, actually.” | Genuinely alarming. Sit down. |
| “A bit of a nightmare.” | A catastrophe. Emergency services attended. |
| “I might pop out.” | I am leaving for six hours |
| “Sorry.” | Sorry / excuse me / move / that’s my foot / hello |
| “Cheers.” | Thanks / goodbye / hello / cheers |
| “We should do this more often.” | We will not be doing this again |
Nigel Watts was not looking for a band. He was looking for a hand dryer that worked. What he found instead, in a rest area bathroom somewhere between Durham, NC and New York City, was Three Ace Quincy. He has been their manager ever since. He would like it noted that he was, at the time, on his holidays. He drinks his tea strong enough to stand a spoon in, has strong views about the M25 that he will share unprompted, and still hasn't found a working hand dryer. He has begun to take it personally.
Press & enquiries: [email protected]. Please allow 28 days. He is very busy. He is not busy.
NIGEL WATTS
// GLOBAL DIRECTOR OF ARTIST RELATIONS //
Nigel Watts Artist Management Ltd. Registered in England and Wales, No. 08472913. Registered office: Flat B, 14 Lavender Hill, London SW11. VAT No. GB 412 8873 09. Calls may be recorded for training purposes, although nobody has been trained. Your call is important to us. It is not.
Lines are open. Nobody answers.
NOW WASH YOUR HANDS PLEASE
Bong. Bong. Bong.
© THREE ACE QUINCY — ALL RIGHTS RESERVED AND THEN SOME
God save the — well. Whoever it is now. Mind the gap. Please retain this page for your records. Calls to this website cost 7p per minute plus your network operator's access charge. Your home may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments on it, though that is entirely unrelated to this band. Lines are open Monday to Friday, except when they are not, which is most of the time, and all day on bank holidays, when nothing works and everyone acts surprised.